Shit has changed.
And changed for the worst on my part.
I “dismantled” the man who gave me the best love I’ve ever have received from a relationship.
and I always go back to asking myself, WHAT THE FUCK WHY?
Why do I continue to suck and destroy the good things from others that are given to me.
Why do I feel like I don’t deserve love, and that nothing is real?
This is destroying not only others, but I’m constantly feeling destroyed. It’s insanity.
I just feel lost.
All the time. That’s why I went to that stupid brainwashing program, cause I felt lost and alone, and vulnerable.
I need a fucking backbone man.
I can list all the shit that I need to do and change about myself, but then again, I can embrace who I am, and learn to accept love and give it back rather then thinking everything and one is gonna fuck me over like in the past times.
Shit. Excuse me, I just……ugh.
Hate myself…..my brain at times. It’s completely pathetic, but I’m still here. Still fucking here goddammit.
So I’m here now……My lover pushed away by me……He decided to come home after all our arguments with a kitten.
I can’t believe it.
But hey, I can take this as a chance to rekindle what ever the fuck’s left, which is something I hope. I’m such a fuck ass.
I miss my family.
I miss Charity, I feel sorta lost without her here. She knew a lot about a lot.
It’s hard at times.
Iv’e been drinking too much.
My stomach is getting all squishy, and my butt is getting big(which the bf doesnt mind) but shit!
holy shit I’m pathetic.
I want to feel better so bad, and I try and think about it, but it never continues thru to the next day.
My structure is dead.
…..this is just temporary….but these are the fucking feelings that bring me down now, right now! The stupid feelings that make me insucure and fuck shit up in relationships, the feelings that increase the impulse to be a dumass……a duuuumasssss.
I wish I can just smile and feel inside that it’s okay to…
Right meow I just want to cry…..until I feel better.
Something, or someway needs to help me feel better…..
I don’t care much for the person I am, or the person I display to others. I don’t give a fuck.
……welcome to the most depressing person……
yet people are surprised when they hear that I could possibly be a depressed person. ?
….to them im just a dumfuck…or selfish.
but more then less, Im in constant pain….
it hurts. my chest hurts, my head hurts, my heart starts to hurt.
…..im even disinterested in caring if I see friends or not for the right reasons. Im horrible.
I want to make michael happy again like when we first started….but I suck. and I want to leave and go away from all this all the time. For me I dont understand or see in my head how I can ever make things better at times. like lately all the time for me. I mean shit.