Lately it’s been super hard to wake up feeling energetic….my bed is so comfortable and I just want it to feel loved because I’m so thankful to have one!!
The last three nights of dreams I had were really really strange though. There’s this theme of all the people I know who I may have hurt or have a chance of disliking me all in my dream man. Like. Facing those demons. Well not exactly demons. The dream will usually take place in a fat house and people just coming thru doing there thing, chat it up with me, or we have to go on like some sort of mission and were all good. Funny cause were not. Ugh stupid stupid dreams. And that’s not why it’s hard to wake up trust me is rather dream of other things-be more in control of what I dream of and I know that’s an option. Eh
It’s Friday “hippie” dress-up day at work with the chillren, so I guess I’ll just do that. Have a great weekend whoever!
Shit has changed.
And changed for the worst on my part.
I “dismantled” the man who gave me the best love I’ve ever have received from a relationship.
and I always go back to asking myself, WHAT THE FUCK WHY?
Why do I continue to suck and destroy the good things from others that are given to me.
Why do I feel like I don’t deserve love, and that nothing is real?
This is destroying not only others, but I’m constantly feeling destroyed. It’s insanity.
I just feel lost.
All the time. That’s why I went to that stupid brainwashing program, cause I felt lost and alone, and vulnerable.
I need a fucking backbone man.
I can list all the shit that I need to do and change about myself, but then again, I can embrace who I am, and learn to accept love and give it back rather then thinking everything and one is gonna fuck me over like in the past times.
Shit. Excuse me, I just……ugh.
Hate myself…..my brain at times. It’s completely pathetic, but I’m still here. Still fucking here goddammit.
So I’m here now……My lover pushed away by me……He decided to come home after all our arguments with a kitten.
I can’t believe it.
But hey, I can take this as a chance to rekindle what ever the fuck’s left, which is something I hope. I’m such a fuck ass.
I miss my family.
I miss Charity, I feel sorta lost without her here. She knew a lot about a lot.
It’s hard at times.
Iv’e been drinking too much.
My stomach is getting all squishy, and my butt is getting big(which the bf doesnt mind) but shit!
holy shit I’m pathetic.
I want to feel better so bad, and I try and think about it, but it never continues thru to the next day.
My structure is dead.
…..this is just temporary….but these are the fucking feelings that bring me down now, right now! The stupid feelings that make me insucure and fuck shit up in relationships, the feelings that increase the impulse to be a dumass……a duuuumasssss.
I wish I can just smile and feel inside that it’s okay to…
Right meow I just want to cry…..until I feel better.
Something, or someway needs to help me feel better…..
I don’t care much for the person I am, or the person I display to others. I don’t give a fuck.
……welcome to the most depressing person……
yet people are surprised when they hear that I could possibly be a depressed person. ?
….to them im just a dumfuck…or selfish.
but more then less, Im in constant pain….
it hurts. my chest hurts, my head hurts, my heart starts to hurt.
…..im even disinterested in caring if I see friends or not for the right reasons. Im horrible.
I want to make michael happy again like when we first started….but I suck. and I want to leave and go away from all this all the time. For me I dont understand or see in my head how I can ever make things better at times. like lately all the time for me. I mean shit.
"You will find friends in all walks of life. Be thoughtful of others, and don’t tend to be critical. You will succeed in most of the things you do"
I sure can say I do have friends in all walks of life, and do my best to encourage them cause I feel blessed to know such unique people.
Treat others the way you’d like to be treated indeed.
This success bit’s new to me sorta xP
Well hello there…..
I am at a very decent plateau in my life at the current moment.
I’ll start at about 4 weeks ago, which began many eventful days spent with a friend and much more, and close friends who I’m so happy to fucking know it’s great.
Being with this man has really lifted my spirits in a way I haven’t had before.
It’s also a plus that we have the same friends…and that we have known each other a couple years prior.
I wasn’t looking for this, it came to me..and I’m so for it.
My perception has changed a lot from last year, but I’m still Ari. Most of you guys don’t even know what Ari may be even like. But that’s alright, you’re beautiful.
Oh yeah, my birthday was on the 10th, and I had such a spectacular day, AH! Yeaaah the start of my 21st year alive, that’s the true new year, your birthday…Idk what all this talk about jan1st being so special…it should be like the earths bday os something.
Anywho, my birthday was a blast….And yesterday (the past for weeks ive been not scheduled) I found out that I am in fact and indeed on NEXT weeks schedule at the deli, yeus!
Now I shall work to save moneys for a car and a car only…I hope I can do this right…
Work frustrates me to a personal level EVEN when it shoudn’t, I need to work on that about myself. Or I mean I CAN find and do something I enjoy doing that will pay my bills but untill then I need to get thru these days without a slave mantality.
I am just a very happy lady.
and saterday his band is playing and it’s going to be great!
I hope I can just spread love in everything I do as much as I get it from life right now.
Goodevening it is!
After watching ‘Zeitgeist’ tonight, so many connections were made for me.
It’s incredible…Everything they went over was just GAH! Seriously!
I have clarity and confirmation, the sun has set me free indeed.
This is the beginning of my life now with a more clearer foundation, actually crystal clear foundation! That blows my mind and gives me, as a unique, individual human clarity and inspiration as I live in this twisted, strange strange planet.
I’m untangled….There’s peace that I haven’t had for months, it’s great.
…more to come later, I have to get to bed.
Over the weeks I’ve been in the process of getting a Cake Decorator job at the local Safeway thru my gramma*, who’s only career’s been working at Safeway (32 years), so I got the hook up, hah.
The interview went WELL! She at first told me there were NO open positions but wanted to keep me on file, and that I was a decent candidate to work any position at a Safeway. A week later she calls me for Cake Decorator :D
This is going to be fun!! Understand that I am going to be hired, as my job to DRAW AND DECORATE ALL DAY, ahahah and I’ll be getting off they say around 2 or 5, I’m not complaining and Im not going to worry, cause I’m going to make the best of each day, just like I have been since I realized how interesting interactions with others can get interesting as you grow up and learn stuff. My step dad told me like twice, “Okay Ari, don’t FUCK THIS UP this time, you can turn this into your career if you really put everything into it.” I believe him, and know. Im going to open a bakery called “Areo’s” and ma close buds will be employed there cause it’s going to be so fucking chill, and great. Edibles made on the side, haha yup!!
Haha, it was ridiculous, so I buy this fake piss+heating pad so I could be assured I’d pass the drug test for Safeway, and they fuckin’ take a mouth swab, RIGHT then and there…..and I was so nervous, cause the night before I smoked sooooo much wax and hash the night before, and the next day I get called in. So she waits like 10 mins to check it and in like 2 sec. she says good, and throws it away….I guess Im so lucky I’m not in to hard narcotics, I love you weed!! Tanks.
Annnd now I wait, for the call, probably tomorrow since thats when the new schedule comes out and see when I start working. I think more training, but then I’ll be decorating cakes & stuffs..
smoke weed about it.